Pandora's box 2009

... Time really flies fast when your particularly apathetic about it.Well,I couldnt care less..but it seems that it was just yesterday when I got my first 2009 heartbreak circa January...and the things that made up my 2009 upon retrospect are worth visiting...here's some...

Same old shit..just new assholes to face.It never fails to amuse me how some people cant just accept that there are and there will always be people better than them. And there are still people who have grown physically but left their brains in their 3rd grade classrooms...and theres no way you can play Mother theresa to them.let them be...their happy being pathetic.

No matter how much and how deep you conceal yourself and your true nature...it will shine thru and this would come in the most awkward circumstances...

How many times I have promised not to fall again... and by some warped humor of Venus,finds myself entangled again with another guy..Whew,this is tiring.But an enjoyable ride.

If you really wanna do something...then dont just sit there and wonder what will be the outcome...By all means go get your ass and do it...so whatevers gonna be the result,you aint gonna be sittin wondrin what couldve been...

Dont be stingy about the things that you like...you owe it to yourself to be happy...and aim for the things that you really want and will make you really happy...

its ok to be different once in a while...but never try to change your identity...just complement it with these changes to bring out your individuality.

Fresh start...

Im moving to a new place...make that a boarding house.to have a fresh start.As you all know,I had an unspoken riff with a flatmate and just the sight of him makes me cringe big time. Anyhow , I got a news from the grapevine saying that the bastard just got from a recollection.I was half expecting a pruned set of horns...but lo and behold...nuthing..not even one fuckin bit.Pompous as ever,he made sure that everyone knows that hes been thru a retreat by changing his wish list to a pocket bible while ignoring me...now,how pathetic is that?It amuses me big time.
New friend is moving in to the flat.We have been close but it was just last night that I was able to get a glimpse of her life...how its been.Tough as she is,its not all that.She,like me have been detoured for a while.In her I found symphaty..more like a kindred spirit.I guess losing a fake friend has its reward.I gained a new one.
One of his nonsense friend started talkin to me.I was glad coz at one point we got close but theres this new feeling in me.Like Id rather not have her close to me.We talk but I prefer to have my own space from now on...it is safe...for her sake that is...
The whirlwind that I have been tru proved to be a blessing in disguise.I was able to sort out who matters most in my life friendwise.It was hurtful at that time but I was glad that it happened.Im feeling like calm and relax now...and Frankly I couldnt be more grateful...

Psychological Colds

Have you experience getting psychological colds?the kind which makes you instantly withdrawn and wants to give the first person you meet a swift kick in the head? I do...and Im experiencing it right now...

For the longest time I find myself despising the people around me...I hate hypocrisy...and having so much tupperwares areound just wont do it...Its like im beginning to get claustrophobic because of these dimwits...And I couldnt just rip their hearts out of their chest...Its not in our code of conduct.I might get a memo.

Im still observing...like a grandmaster in a chess tournament...contemplating my moves and bidding my time...And Im learning to be a little bit selfish and loving myself a bit more...I know that ill reclaim again my spot.

La Hombra Immortis

I never thought I could be this mean....and i'm loving it.I wasnt born this way but due to unavoidable circumstances...I was forced to let my dark side out...And Im sooo glad I did.
You see Ive been very nice to people around me...Even those ungrateful bullshits at workplace...I tried to make friends with them.But I guess,no matter how you look for an ideal place to work...some things never change....and there will always be those people who are for the life of them,are eager to be on top and always in. I dont have have problems with that ...but when my peaceful existence are threatened...My vicious side just gets out.
And the one I mentioned in one of my recent blogs,hes the one Im pointing at....well,I may be quiet and just ignoring it on the outside,to the point of being labeled as catatonic but never underestimate a quiet person. There are lots of things that are going inside my mind...and dang! did I made those real! hehehehe
witchcraft has been a long tradition in the family...a lineage which can never be forgotten.Lets just say I summoned few trusted entities to do my bidding...Karma wise.I cant be hit.Why? HE STARTED IT..and Im just returning ther favor...and its taking effect. Talk about him getting sick and wasted...till when? i dont know...call me bad but Im not about to end soon...not just yet.
I know its not right but its ok....Ive been very nice and all...and am just giving him a taste of his bitter medicine.I felt relieved....I might be cruel...but it made me happy...and I am smiling.Finally, the forces...conspiring with me...Ive been badly hit in the past....Its about time.


P.S. I wonder how does it taste when your tootbrush is used
as a toilet bowl cleaner...I dont know...but he does... ( smiles wickedly)

You asked for it...

...Let the Bitch Fight begin...

Rift...Insecurity and blah blah....

This is'nt about me...more like someone I am now living with.Dont get me wrong...I just moved on in a townhouse with a friend and we decided to have another one shre the expenses.This one is an officemate. He was quite fine until weve reached the norming stage...adjusting to each others quirks and all shit.
He had what we call the basic carry overs of a young urbanite ( laptop,phones,CC etc...) but something 's wrong with the way he's acting. ..and Im not liking it.He has an attittude problem...like hes all that....I dunno whats happening...and slowly getting disgusted.
I am nice...way too nice and Im still keepin my temper under moderate conditions...and Im really hoping that its just a norming process...Knwoing how vicious I am if provoked...He wouldnt stand a chance ... Im still keeping my fingers crossed about the whole thing and praying that itll pass...otherwise,I guess I wouldnt have a choice but to bring out my dark side...It has been long dormant.But then again...it feels good to be vicious and bad sometimes.Dont you think? ( smiles devilishly...)

Musings of a 31 year old Chinito

Time flies sooo fast and before I know it,another year has been added,a page turned in my life...I am already 31 yrs old. My parents are already asking me when I will settle..Not that Im gay or anything but this got me thinking for a while...does it really have to go with age?I dunno but emotionally Im still looking for that perfect and missing piece of the puzzle...

For those of you who followed me circa 2006 when I was still clueless on life and love,You know that Ive been thru a lot and infact have died and got resurrected emotionally many times...So many that it would shame your trusty planner

I never regreted the fact that Ive been thru ALL of those.Come to think of it,Those emotional milestones and obstacles made me like a wine...sinfully addicting as I age ( you get the point,right?)

I am now taking everything in stride...Not hurrying things anymore.Love was never meant to be halfbaked.It has to be churned and cooked with its own time..and that what Im doing now.Gone are the days that I have to beg for somebody to stay.I own now my world and my confidence and is not dependent on someone elses.

Bitch moments will always be there =) but now I know how to crush with subtlety.So subtle that you wouldnt know that youre crumbling before my very presence.And mastering this is an acquired taste.You have to experience getting in order to give something...And I always make it to the point to contain this power otherwise Ill raise chaos and hell all over ( which is osmetimes needed to wake up these idiots).

Im dating someone,more like going out with someone who is 10 years younger than me.Im not saying that I like younger men.If I could only choose I rather have someone close to my age but as destiny would have it...Younger men tend to gravitate towards me...Not that Im freakin father figure( no fuckin way! im too young for that!) but I guess maybe Im not all fuck and suck..I talk and think as well.And sense and sensibilty would always be needed in the relationship...( you bet)

Gone are the days of shock appeal as well.I play with subtlety in fashion.Clean haircut and casual clothes are the way to go.The only remnants of my flashy self are the contacts lenses which I still wear- but in hazel colors now...Taste evolves with age ...and I have found the way I REALLY would want to look and be seen.I couldve not been more grateful for this acquired taste of wisdom and sense.... =)

For Mama...with so much love

Last week has been a gruelling ordeal. We had a family squabble and it got way too much to handle.Mom's ok but she still has some reservations over my stepdad after what happened.

And me...?

....I have to be the mediator and explain things to them...

Imagine.

Sometimes I ask myself why we have to go thru this...I had a fairly good childhood.Was raised by a loving family then...but this...?Is as if the world suddenly toppled over and acted on the opposite side.It felt heavy ...like I was serving some Karma over something I didnt do...

...I never questioned the will of the Big Guy Upstairs one bit...Im just musing at how things have happened.Like it was some scenario on a telenovela...and us...For the the life of me are acting the parts.

I just wish that the hurt would end soon.I love my mom so much.So much that when in front of her...my tear ducts are sealed.I dont wanna be weak when im with her.Coz I know shes getting her strength from me....The tears only show when im alone.But for Mom...Ill do everything.I dunno,But its just now that i learned how much I loved my mother.Dont get me wrong,Ive been a good son....

But its just now I realized that I LOVE HER THIS MUCH

that im willing to stand up for her against my stepdad....

I already told him that nobody can hurt my mother as long as Im around....

Its a tall challenge and warning...

...But Im happy....

Everything....for Mom. =)

Me...Stripped...Raw...for keeps.

I recently had or more likely tried to have an encounter again. My friends are all having it...SEB's and all so I kinda thought, hey might as well try it again...but then...

It turned out as a suprise that I dont or make that no longer enjoy those fleeting encounters anymore.I went to the pad of this guy and we did the whole thing minus the penetration...but on the totality..I didnt enjoyed it. I came..sure...but there was this thing ...one thing lacking... and im very sure its just now that I was able to check it within.

I got scared while these thoughts whirled in my head...Am iI turning frigid..(!) Seems like I have lost the zest in one night things.Before I usually get up with that post-coital glow...but now everything seemed to be bland...to the extent of numbness.I felt like a whore.It was depressing.

then it dawned to me...while taking a shower in my own bathroom,that I have REALLY grown up.I am now looking for INTIMACY,the kind that entwines your emotions to this certain person...That the void I was feeling after that suck session was entirely due to spending it with someone I barely know...and now,I realized that my heart was already taking centerstage...and im longing to have that someone whom I can love for all my life...

This really suprised me..I guess gone are the days for the player in me...besides,I have had my share of heartbreaks,have broken the hearts of many and craziness.I guess this is the time to know what LOVE really is all about...and what instore for me...Im feeling giddy..like a highschool boy with his first crush...but Im liking the feeling..And I want it to last..this time.

...

Biatchy Thought :


Embassy at the Fort is not for gays and bi's..most of the people there are posseurs and
just plain look-at-me-im gorgeous please- type. Music is good but the atmosphere is fake.

I'd take Goverment and Bed anytime.

Smack -o -whirl

Have you ever been in the situation wherein everyone and everything seems to be going against you? As if the forces of the universe decided to test your patience and trip on you?...well,thats how I feel now.

Things arent that worse,its just that I feel like theres this blue funk shrouding every idea that I have...and my burst of perkiness are also affected.I hate it...I am always the last ones that gets this momentarily surge of depression but now I feel like it has eaten me..whole.

I am still sick with this acute pharyngitis and still recuperating.I dont like the idea that I cant function well.And this came at the moment wherein I decided to do my best in everything.Nice.

Im currently using all the powers that I have and the things that I have in my room to dispell gloom...will do a dvd marathon later...And Im really hoping that it would lift my spirits...I just hate the fact that the glow in me kinda dimmed for a while..hope to bounce back soon.

Bitch Quotes to perk you up...

...there are times in your colored lives that you are faced with situations that leaves you with NO choice but to crush your opponents with your diva one liners...hope you get something here! heheheh...Drumroll pls!!!

1. "You..out of my planet...Now!


2. "Magkano ba ang problema mo...?"


3. "Everybody is entitled to being stupid but honey, youre abusing the privilege"


4. "I dont need your attitude..I have one of my own"


5. "Were having creative differences..Im creative and youre different"


6. "Its not an attitude honey, its the way I am"


7. "Kung pangit ako...ano ka na?"


8. " Buti na lang bakla ako...kung hindi mamamatay kang birhen.."


9. " Nakakakilala ka pa ba ng salamin..?"


10. " Im gorgeous...not helpless..."


11. " Wherever I go, I make the goddamn rules..."


12. " If you want a space, Join NASA.."


13. "thank you for saying this, atleast im not gonna have a hard time letting you know whats in my head..."

The Fairytale Reality Check

I hate to break the stereotype but sometimes we have to have a reality check...(its like slapping your cheeks with your own hand with full gusto).Are we really inlove? or are we just inlove with the thought of being inlove?(try saying that 5x faster)
I feel envious sometimes whenever I see couples or gay couples for that matter getting cozy to each other...(this is a dead giveaway to my current lovelife).what makes them tick and what makes me sooo elusive.Its not that Im presenting myself to every guy I meet but you get the thought.
I started to check my self and then I noticed some things...that Yes,If I will be dating me...Id back off.men got intimated because there are certain traits that I guess shooes them away and singles me out in the whole dating and getting cozy arena...c'mon,dont say I told you so...im working on it.
Dont get me wrong...there are brave guys who still hit on me but I guess its more on finding the shoe that fits...and on myself....taming my Mr.Hyde.Im starting the process of overhauling myself emotionally and physically (Again!) so as to be ..uh...more accomodating to people..and to the One I will be giving my life it...(stupidity meter just rose a notch level)

Everybody loves a fairytale and frogs turning into a princes but sometimes,reality feels better and the more tangible it becomes...the better the outcome will be...


P.S. I kissed gazillion of frogs already and up to now,
all Im seeing are Orcs...Ugh.

The frailty of Human Existence

Im not fatalistic...I usually look into the brighter side of everything but there will always come a time that in some way, these morbid thoughts would creep in...like, What im working for? my money goes to those things that I adorn my body with...which in time shall rot and turn into dust.that these things would just be anything but mementos of a being who once hedonistically purchased them.
That all of these things that we must endure are part of nothingness...that we would just be a speck of nothing when grim reaper comes and knocks in...Its a scary thought..and I am often haunted by that...That everything that we have worked on for...will be for nothing.. this is where "nothing lasts forever" comes into view.I usually block these thoughts by thinking that there would always be a brighter side but there are times that this technique doesnt work.That I ,for the life of me gets swallowed in these morbid thoughts....
Prayer usually helps to strengthen your faith that everything would turn out just fine..but there would always be that tiny voice in me...asking why? why do we have to die? where would we go...would there really be a safe place afterlife?...
I know that these questions are trivial but when you try to atleast think about it...this is where we all grasp for something tangible...a solid answer....to hold on to..and to reassure that we will just be fine ...Such is the frailty of human existence.

EARGASM

I never thought I'll be addicted to music this much till now...I had this ipod for 2 yrs and had a fairly good playlist but now,I think ill go crazy if this little devil will crash.To put it succintly,I wouldnt survive a day without music.
Warren,a friend and a former DJ uploaded some songs in my ipod and suggested that i purchased this ginormous headset from Cdr-king...Like a true music afficionado,I went to the mall and did what i was told...and Wham! Music never felt this good...sooo good that its better than sex and masturbation..( for now...)
My ipod boasts now of eclectic playlist ranging from house to 80's down to the swingin groove of the 60's...A compact jukebox...and i couldnt ask for more baby!..heheheh!!!
Im planning to get an ipod touch though in the future to widen my playlist and save these treasures forever...now my only worry is how can I extract the songs from the ipod and store it in my laptops back up files...since all the songs are in mp3 form,its directly stored in the playlist...hhhmmmnnn..calling all IT professionals!!!

For now,I can say that Im really satisfied with the music and all shit...this entry is different from the juicy ones but im good...and contented.So contented that I'll just let my ears do the fucking for me...hehe

Re Emerging...

Im currently in a new company which I find ill be staying with for good.Thank God Im finally settled...it took time but it was worth it...Many opportunities are waiting...and i know howim worth...getting there can never be far behind...

many things have happened to me...got an emotional overhaul for the longest time and I am single again..(I think). Though life has been kind to me or rather has shown me chances on forever...Im not banking on that anymore...I want something real this time.

This year will be a year of metamorphosis for me...something good and lasting will happen...I feel it..Ive been in the hole for quite sometime,done some soul searching and banged my head against the freakin wall..now is the time...


I may have let go of things in the past but that doesnt mean
Im stupid...just cautious...dont wanna make the same tiring
mistakes again...been there...done that...time to move on...NOW.

Hayden Kho Scandal Pic

I recently got jolted on this picture from my email.The sender, a friend informed me that this is the picture of Hayden kho.Yep, the estranged bf of Doctor of the Stars Vicki Belo...
I was really shocked and amused ...well the guy in the photo was quite a looker..both in the face and in nether areas but I'm still not quite sure.it was just sent to me thru email and I still have to check it further.Anyhow here its is...enjoy!

Dial -a -Lover Syndrome

Its kinda ironic that people fall in love with just their voices over the phone...exchange sweet nothings and profess undying love for each other then meet up and...kabooom! end up with nothing...
I am guilty and have been a victim of this vicious cycle.Been hurt and wound others in the process.this got me thinking before that really humans as well as their emotions arent consistent...everything was just one big bullshit.The words that you say over the phone...the sweet forevers..all gone in a second you laid eyes on your "lover'.Because he doesnt fit your idiot of standards.No matter how much we profess that we dont have any standards...things do change in a snap when upon instinct we see that the other person that we use to love over the phone doesnt fit this unseen standard.And this is sooo pathetic.
People who were able to see whats beyond tangible are really worth keeping.I learned that in a hard way.I've lost some relationship in the past due to me being like this.I have learned my lesson...And am repairing my emotional status again.


"... most often than not,Whats beyond tangible are the
things that last for a lifetime..."

Death Note

Im still in the process of watching the series Death Note and I must say its addicting! the plot or the basic of it maybe simple but the story is twisted.So twisted that youll get hooked in it...and man! the characters...their damn raw and morbidly likable.A different take on Hell Girl but nevertheless worth watching.
It all started when a straight A student (Light Yagami) finds a notebook that inturn belongs to a Shinigami(Ryuk). A death God in the the Spirit Realm.The notebook is so powerful that it bears instructions on how to use it-for whoever name is written in the pages will die-either with heart attack if you never wrote the way hes gonna die or follow the what you inscribbled in the notes.The student takes the role of the grim reaper(Kira) and the mysterious deaths begin...baffling even the police force.
It shouldve been the start of utopia but then again,killing people no matter how grave their crime is is nothing but a mad man's revelry.Here comes L ,a mysterious detective/student whos hell bent on finding whos behind the sudden deaths...The character is quite eerie but really smart...So smart that he was able to decipher and unmask the killer...well,almost.
I havent finished the whole series and Ive heard that there is a death note 2...but I tell you..If you want an anime which is very far from your usual wholesome naruto/bleach kind, then DeathNote might just be the right series to watch on dark nights...A word of advice though- This series is bordering on the gruesome/macabre genre and would definitely keep your neurons awake.

Fortress

Have you ever wondered why sometimes you feel like everything is moving fast before your eyes and yet there you are?- in a suspended state.like you are watching life unfold before your eyes only your not part of it.Im in that current state now...

There are times that I feel like Im so removed from the people around me.That I cant feel or relate to whats going on..A self preserving mechanism? I dont know...But at times that I feel that im saturated with the people and their issues,The walls suddenly rises and I retreat to my fortress.

Im a friendly person but I dont like over familiarity.Most probably due to the fact that Ive had bad experiences with those "friends" in the past...I still would like to have a line between me and the people in my universe.

And I hate Users... and those pretending to be nice...


I like jessica Zafra's first twisted book...because the writings and the emotions contained there are familiar.That there are times... trying times that without my conscious thinking, I isolate myself from the people so as not to get affected by their mundane concerns.Dont get me wrong..people need people...but not stupidity.

I still feel remove from the people around me and I am doing things on my own...Im not feeling any sadness but more like loneliness of the subtle type.Simply because I cant and refuse to get affected and be overfamilarized with everything...and everyone.

Sometimes I envy those people who can be friends with everyone and do things together with their friends...Im not like that.I have lots of friends but I like privacy.There are things that Id like to keep private...And Im thanking my Mom for showing me the value of privacy.

I may sound like ranting here but this is me...We can be friends...I can even offer you a shoulder to cry on.but we need to have our own privacy...you cross that line...I'll slit your throat(kidding)...

I Stay Inlove

The moment I heard this song, i instantly fell inlove with the melody and the lyrics...its bittersweet and haunting...akin to what I have experienced not so long ago...the sister song to "dont forget about us"
I dont know how you guys feel but whenever Mariah creates a slow rnb love song such as this,it never fails to catch my attention...it hits a raw nerve inside...the emotions still intact and beautifully entwined in the melody...It maybe hurting but musically wise, I couldnt ask for more..heres the song and her performance... I hope you like this one...

Bakit Ikaw pa rin...

another one of the old favorites...maricris garcia's good in this song.it was originally done by Ella mae saison for Gimik! the movie...its a poignant bittersweet song...enjoy reminiscing...

Sana maulit Muli...(My Saddest entry by far...)

I recently gave my heart to person who sadly doesnt even know how to appreciate it...I gave everything...the tears..the love...and the longing to no avail.It hurts to know that after everything I've done...My heart would still be left alone...cold and deserted.
Just when is enough? I dont know...At this point, Im still trying to grasp everything.Making sense of what has transpired and what made me decide to end it all.I love that person with all of me but I was taken for granted because he tries to maintain this discreet persona...That we agreed to meet at this certain hour and I was made to wait for more than an hour just because some girl asked him to accompany her to smoke.Totally forgetting that there was I,waiting for him,the dinner I ordered for us getting cold...And when in the car being told that I shouldnt expect too much from him,that we never made any promises prior to this relationship...and he will still marry some girl in the future and asking me why am I feeling torn..? Is asking for a small appreciation and love too much? we are just starting and I am given these information already...am I expected not to feel a thing?...Just when is really enough? I was hurting and still am.Not for him but for the fact that I have loved again...thrown all cautions in the wind and still was taken for granted.
I have ended the relationship 2 days ago prior to this writing and I was crying not from the outside.But from the innermost recesses of my soul.That I gave everything and was torn into pieces...and left alone ..crying and wondering what went wrong on my part...
I know that there is a lesson behind all of this...and right now,im still waiting for that silver lining.That someday I could fathom why it was me...why it happened and will I still be able to give everything after this...Im still keeping the faith...


"...Sana maulit muli...
di na sana aasa pa...
kung kaya ko sana..."