Musings of a 31 year old Chinito

Time flies sooo fast and before I know it,another year has been added,a page turned in my life...I am already 31 yrs old. My parents are already asking me when I will settle..Not that Im gay or anything but this got me thinking for a while...does it really have to go with age?I dunno but emotionally Im still looking for that perfect and missing piece of the puzzle...

For those of you who followed me circa 2006 when I was still clueless on life and love,You know that Ive been thru a lot and infact have died and got resurrected emotionally many times...So many that it would shame your trusty planner

I never regreted the fact that Ive been thru ALL of those.Come to think of it,Those emotional milestones and obstacles made me like a wine...sinfully addicting as I age ( you get the point,right?)

I am now taking everything in stride...Not hurrying things anymore.Love was never meant to be halfbaked.It has to be churned and cooked with its own time..and that what Im doing now.Gone are the days that I have to beg for somebody to stay.I own now my world and my confidence and is not dependent on someone elses.

Bitch moments will always be there =) but now I know how to crush with subtlety.So subtle that you wouldnt know that youre crumbling before my very presence.And mastering this is an acquired taste.You have to experience getting in order to give something...And I always make it to the point to contain this power otherwise Ill raise chaos and hell all over ( which is osmetimes needed to wake up these idiots).

Im dating someone,more like going out with someone who is 10 years younger than me.Im not saying that I like younger men.If I could only choose I rather have someone close to my age but as destiny would have it...Younger men tend to gravitate towards me...Not that Im freakin father figure( no fuckin way! im too young for that!) but I guess maybe Im not all fuck and suck..I talk and think as well.And sense and sensibilty would always be needed in the relationship...( you bet)

Gone are the days of shock appeal as well.I play with subtlety in fashion.Clean haircut and casual clothes are the way to go.The only remnants of my flashy self are the contacts lenses which I still wear- but in hazel colors now...Taste evolves with age ...and I have found the way I REALLY would want to look and be seen.I couldve not been more grateful for this acquired taste of wisdom and sense.... =)

For Mama...with so much love

Last week has been a gruelling ordeal. We had a family squabble and it got way too much to handle.Mom's ok but she still has some reservations over my stepdad after what happened.

And me...?

....I have to be the mediator and explain things to them...

Imagine.

Sometimes I ask myself why we have to go thru this...I had a fairly good childhood.Was raised by a loving family then...but this...?Is as if the world suddenly toppled over and acted on the opposite side.It felt heavy ...like I was serving some Karma over something I didnt do...

...I never questioned the will of the Big Guy Upstairs one bit...Im just musing at how things have happened.Like it was some scenario on a telenovela...and us...For the the life of me are acting the parts.

I just wish that the hurt would end soon.I love my mom so much.So much that when in front of her...my tear ducts are sealed.I dont wanna be weak when im with her.Coz I know shes getting her strength from me....The tears only show when im alone.But for Mom...Ill do everything.I dunno,But its just now that i learned how much I loved my mother.Dont get me wrong,Ive been a good son....

But its just now I realized that I LOVE HER THIS MUCH

that im willing to stand up for her against my stepdad....

I already told him that nobody can hurt my mother as long as Im around....

Its a tall challenge and warning...

...But Im happy....

Everything....for Mom. =)

Me...Stripped...Raw...for keeps.

I recently had or more likely tried to have an encounter again. My friends are all having it...SEB's and all so I kinda thought, hey might as well try it again...but then...

It turned out as a suprise that I dont or make that no longer enjoy those fleeting encounters anymore.I went to the pad of this guy and we did the whole thing minus the penetration...but on the totality..I didnt enjoyed it. I came..sure...but there was this thing ...one thing lacking... and im very sure its just now that I was able to check it within.

I got scared while these thoughts whirled in my head...Am iI turning frigid..(!) Seems like I have lost the zest in one night things.Before I usually get up with that post-coital glow...but now everything seemed to be bland...to the extent of numbness.I felt like a whore.It was depressing.

then it dawned to me...while taking a shower in my own bathroom,that I have REALLY grown up.I am now looking for INTIMACY,the kind that entwines your emotions to this certain person...That the void I was feeling after that suck session was entirely due to spending it with someone I barely know...and now,I realized that my heart was already taking centerstage...and im longing to have that someone whom I can love for all my life...

This really suprised me..I guess gone are the days for the player in me...besides,I have had my share of heartbreaks,have broken the hearts of many and craziness.I guess this is the time to know what LOVE really is all about...and what instore for me...Im feeling giddy..like a highschool boy with his first crush...but Im liking the feeling..And I want it to last..this time.

...

Biatchy Thought :


Embassy at the Fort is not for gays and bi's..most of the people there are posseurs and
just plain look-at-me-im gorgeous please- type. Music is good but the atmosphere is fake.

I'd take Goverment and Bed anytime.

Smack -o -whirl

Have you ever been in the situation wherein everyone and everything seems to be going against you? As if the forces of the universe decided to test your patience and trip on you?...well,thats how I feel now.

Things arent that worse,its just that I feel like theres this blue funk shrouding every idea that I have...and my burst of perkiness are also affected.I hate it...I am always the last ones that gets this momentarily surge of depression but now I feel like it has eaten me..whole.

I am still sick with this acute pharyngitis and still recuperating.I dont like the idea that I cant function well.And this came at the moment wherein I decided to do my best in everything.Nice.

Im currently using all the powers that I have and the things that I have in my room to dispell gloom...will do a dvd marathon later...And Im really hoping that it would lift my spirits...I just hate the fact that the glow in me kinda dimmed for a while..hope to bounce back soon.

Bitch Quotes to perk you up...

...there are times in your colored lives that you are faced with situations that leaves you with NO choice but to crush your opponents with your diva one liners...hope you get something here! heheheh...Drumroll pls!!!

1. "You..out of my planet...Now!


2. "Magkano ba ang problema mo...?"


3. "Everybody is entitled to being stupid but honey, youre abusing the privilege"


4. "I dont need your attitude..I have one of my own"


5. "Were having creative differences..Im creative and youre different"


6. "Its not an attitude honey, its the way I am"


7. "Kung pangit ako...ano ka na?"


8. " Buti na lang bakla ako...kung hindi mamamatay kang birhen.."


9. " Nakakakilala ka pa ba ng salamin..?"


10. " Im gorgeous...not helpless..."


11. " Wherever I go, I make the goddamn rules..."


12. " If you want a space, Join NASA.."


13. "thank you for saying this, atleast im not gonna have a hard time letting you know whats in my head..."

The Fairytale Reality Check

I hate to break the stereotype but sometimes we have to have a reality check...(its like slapping your cheeks with your own hand with full gusto).Are we really inlove? or are we just inlove with the thought of being inlove?(try saying that 5x faster)
I feel envious sometimes whenever I see couples or gay couples for that matter getting cozy to each other...(this is a dead giveaway to my current lovelife).what makes them tick and what makes me sooo elusive.Its not that Im presenting myself to every guy I meet but you get the thought.
I started to check my self and then I noticed some things...that Yes,If I will be dating me...Id back off.men got intimated because there are certain traits that I guess shooes them away and singles me out in the whole dating and getting cozy arena...c'mon,dont say I told you so...im working on it.
Dont get me wrong...there are brave guys who still hit on me but I guess its more on finding the shoe that fits...and on myself....taming my Mr.Hyde.Im starting the process of overhauling myself emotionally and physically (Again!) so as to be ..uh...more accomodating to people..and to the One I will be giving my life it...(stupidity meter just rose a notch level)

Everybody loves a fairytale and frogs turning into a princes but sometimes,reality feels better and the more tangible it becomes...the better the outcome will be...


P.S. I kissed gazillion of frogs already and up to now,
all Im seeing are Orcs...Ugh.