Free by own choice

The one im currently with informed me that his visa just arrived from Canada.Suprisingly it didnt hurt that much...maybe because I know that hes going anytime soon.And he was the one who was actually crying.I told him to go for it...That he prayed for this to happen and now that its here,He should grab the chance.Afer we talked,I kinda reflect on myself...Was I too scared to face that hell go? or have turned Ice cold to shield my self from the pain?...I guess having been a veteran of such many failed relationships,I opted for the latter.Maybe I just dont wanna be in the pits again.And I know Ill find someone better...But for now,I choose to be free...vree from the pain of being left behind.I am the creator of my symphony and I choose to create the happiest music the world will ever hear.

Of all the Arguments...!@$%#

My beau and I had an argument about...guess what? SEX...It goes like this...Hes not used to having a very liberated guy (me) in bed.I couldnt help it...I know a lot and the reason why im doing that is because I love him and it cant get any appreciative than that...I felt insulted when he told me hes not used to in hardcore tumble session...What the Fuck?!...
I still love him dont get me wrong...but I think I owe it to myself to get hurt...He told me his past affairs,I took it all in.I think I deserve better that that comment...especially if my main motive is to please him.
As of the moment...out of being hurt,I vowed never to touch him again...Hes still wooing me as of the moment.Huh!!! I deserve more...



PS The guy really loves me...(I think)

Love...We gotta stop this game...

one of the old school fave,due to the fact that i freakin met someone whos hell bent on getting to know me slowly!!!!...here we go aaaagggaaaiiinnn!!!! but i so heart this song...make me wanna do my "diva on fire" attitude!!! hehehe

Untitled...

Sometimes,we come across emotions which we cant name...its a mix of all that been inside.This is what I felt the last time liam and I talked.We care for each other...dont get me wrong.But right now,we feel like it would be too much if we would give it shot.He has his schedules to fix.I got mine.Ever wondered how it feels to have someone so near yet so far?...This is as basic as it can get..

Right now,my career is going ok but I miss having someone to be there for me...Im moving on,starting and learning to fly again with my own wings but somewhere inside,theres this void.Its tolerable but then again,nobody wants to be alone and lonely.

I have always kept an optomistic point of how things would turn out and I hope that its just a phase...where I can re organize my emotional part,be stronger appreciate the beautiful gifts life has to offer...I know that people who know how to love with all their hearts wouldnt be taken for granted.

Watching Zaturnnah and crying in the end...(oh darn...)

Ikaw ang Superhero ng Buhay Ko

Ano ba ang sukatan ng pagkalalaki
Sa lalim ba ng boses o sa tibay ng tindig?
Nasusukat ba ito sa dami ng pinangakuan ng pag-ibig?

Sa lahat nang nakilala sa ‘yo lamang humanga
Sa tapang at lambot ng iyong puso
Ang kaligtasan ng lahat ay tinanganan mo sa palad mo

Ikaw ang superhero ng buhay ko, ikaw…
Hindi ka man lumilipad, napakalayo ng iyong narating
Nais kong sumama saan ka man magpunta
Hawakan mo ako
Maglalakbay tayo

Pinakita mo sa aking mayroon pang hihigit
Sa katahimikang nakasanayan ko
Tulad mo’y nagsimula akong managinip
Ang bugnot kong mundo binuhay mo

Ikaw ang superhero ng buhay kong, ikaw…
Pagod ka man ngayon, ako naman ang papasan sa iyo
Halika na sa piling ko, kita’y iuuwi

Dito sa bisig ko
Ika’y mahimbing

Ikaw ang superhero ng buhay ko
Ikaw...



I was watching Zaturnnah for the nth time...I was doing well until the part when Dodong expressed his love for Ada.He sang "Ikaw ang superhero ng Buhay ko".Before I knew it,tears are flowing down my cheeks.Most probably because what I'm seeing is very much different from whats happening in the real world.

True love,sadly is very very rare nowadays.let aloe in our kind.Im not being cycnical but after of those failed relationships...i should know.Like everyone else,I dream of happy ending as well but lately,the road im taking suddenly have taken a wrong turn.Everything seems to be messed up.Guess that life...when your about get everything serious and working,everything gets fucked up.Still...deep inside,im longing to have someone...someone who would see beyond all the imperfections...im really thinking now that it is too much to ask...

I have my flaws,but I'm hoping that everything would be fine...like Ada,Im wishing for love.Not the perfect one but the kind that grows on you and last for a lifetime...I knw that people who love with their whole heart arent taken for granted by the Heavens.I hope I can find my own Dodong.The one who can take my heart to skies even when he cant fly.I cant promise him the world but I can promise him my heart...and all that I know about the word FOREVER.

Ray of Hope

I got a call from liam this mid morning.I was really suprised.Moreso when he told me that he misses me a lot.The call was somewhat sweet,I was nervous...though I know that were trying our best not to say I love you,I can feel the yearning.I know him...

I learned to relax and just go on with the flow...before we knew it...we were giggling...like nothing happened.Seems like the first time.I miss him...and im keepng my fingers crossed.I included a video just incase you wanna feel the magic I felt at that moment...enjoy!

Emotionally yours...

Thought I'd pick the best song that reflects the way I am...at least emotionally.There are things that I couldnt put into words... let alone say it so I think the best next thing is just to pick the sounds thatll say it all.Im not mistaken after all...

I miss the guy a lot yet something tells me its not yet the right time...Im not scared to fall again...I just dont want to be rushed this time...I knw that time will come again...soon. Until then,He will always be that memory...laughing and playing with my heart..like thunder and rainstorms.

Phoenix rising

Liam called me this morning just to (gasp!) check how I've been.I told him that I'm taking everything pretty well though I couldnt believe that we ended up just like that.After the call,I texted him,thanking him for the call yet it was inappropriate.I need my space.its about time for me to think about things.He wanted his freedom,I gave it despite the pain I'm feeling.Now I want mine.I said goodbye.Though letting him know that it was goodbye for now,something in me was relieved...I cant pinpoint now but it made me ok in a weird way..Suprisingly,when liam broke up with me,I never shed a tear,i was sad but never crying.Most probably,my lachrymal glands have already been dried out from previous bullshits I've had.A new me is emerging...tougher this time.Ive gotten tired of being most gracious.Its about time to call it even...and this time,It may take a long way but i dont care for I really know that when the right time comes...every heartache will be worth it,every tear and sorrow will be erased with happiness and when that time comes...Ill be calling the shots...for keeps baby. =)


P.S. Life holds no sunny promises but then again,
life is what we make it..and I intent to win this time.

Of Setting You Free...

I broke up with Liam and finally called it quits.I was in shambles so was he but we have to face the fact that He needs to sort out his life first.I have my share of mistakes and asked for his forgiveness.Thing is he's so pessimistic,He always see life as an obstacle rather than an adventure to grow and learn from it.And I,would always always play the shrink.I cant go on forever like that no matter how much I love him.I too have my down moments and it really drains me to be ok when Im not.I cant always be perky and sunny.And he cant go on being the negative guy.It just drains the hell out of me.
Irreconcilable differences you might say but I rather think of it as a breather...time to sort thing out for us.Dont get me wrong.I still love him but we need a space I guess...to let him sort everything and find his own silver lining.And who knows...Maybe it'll be me and him still in the end...


P.S. I maybe hurting but I'm keeping my fingers crossed
that something good's gonna come out of this.

To be or not to be? ( whatever that means...)

Well,this is the 2nd part of my moments...as I was feeling low,I texted those five guys who are currently courting me to just leave me alone,I have things to fix-yadda yadda...well,It hurt me as...My husband knows about this and hes ok about it...I texted him that message too.He's in Bicol now.Nuthing came...for half the day.Then here comes the storm of messages from these guys including my husband.
My husband called me shocked...tried explaining that hes always there for me...its just that hes busy now with work.Then another guy called as well, crying and begging me (gasp!) to let him love me the way he knows it.The rest refused to take the NO statement...Jeeezzz!!!! I took my husband back and just let the rest do their thing.They want it that way,so be it.Im just going to play it cool this time.My heart knows only ONE guy.Liam knows it... =)

P.S. Ang hirap maging kagandahan! Why not?hehe!

Sun and Moon

Last saturday was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life...Liam and I have finally met...and held hands.You may call this cheesy but yes,I have fallen and finally with the man Im praying for.Sweet and sensitive.Weve met in Glorietta Burger king and he gave me a present.In turn ,I gave him the rpg game hes been looking for in years.I love him! heaven help me but Im really falling...and I'm really liking it and loving the feeling...
We had fun...watched a movie and spent QUALITY TIME together.He bought contact lenses too.One was sapphire and the other jade green.He liked the green but it doesnt fit him that much...I suggested he try my hazel(im wearing one)and decide which is which.Well,he ended up taking my hazel babies(the color looks smashing on him) and I ended up looking like the green eyed vampire Queen Akasha.hehe.
Loving someone never felt this great.I've never been this complete.Though were miles apart,we talk on a regular basis and theres this feeling of security...Maybe its about time...time to give my all...and my heart...

" This is it!!!..." =)

2nd Fight

I had the 2nd world war with my beau.I wasnt able to check my phone and have fallen asleep...the usual thing ,I wasnt able to talk to him.And when I called him...hes fuming mad.I feel like I'm talking to Mt. Vesuvius...The legendary volcano which swallowed Pompeii...The upshot of it was...he cussed at me.I hate swearing and so there.Up goes the world war II.
I almost called it quits with him.I just hate what he did.He said no.Hes just upset.I still wouldnt want to take it.Exasperated,He told me that he'll talk to me when were both calm and ended the talk with "I love you much dha.."
I love the guy and but somehow,when he cussed at me,It made me upset...but I'll give him another chance...after all,thats what love is all about.
Then as if nothing happened...I guess those words did it...=)

On becoming a Man.

We had a fight last night...It started when I asked about my b-day and he forgot it.I am particular with those dates because those dates are really worth celebrating.I mean...Who would want his b-day to be forgotten?much more by the person he loves?
I wasnt in the mood for a talk so I turned off my phone to have it recharged.I dozed off and when I woke up its already 1 a.m.As soon as I turned on my phone...torrents of message started comin in.Its from my partner.And then He called just as I was dialling his number.He is so mad...telling me that he's into pieces all night trying to reach me and all.I was explaining everything when he blurted out that we should end whatever we are having now.I was suprised...shocked is more like it.Just because I wasnt able to turn on my phone,everything would just go kaputz?!?
For the life of me...I cried.I am so hurt with those words.He started crying too...saying He just got carried over by his emotions and he doesnt wanna let me go.He'll go crazy-to sum it up.He just loves me so much that he didnt know what to do and was profusely saying sorry.He is taking those words back.And he loves me dearly...
I was also suprised to hear such declarations coming from the lips of a 19 yr old guy...He used to have problems in expressing his emotions but here he is...a heap of mess trying to make sense of everything and gathering all his wits and courage,begging me to stay because He just loves me so...My dada is slowly becoming a man.
He later confessed that hes not like this before.Its just now that he's able to encounter such strong emotions and are suprised of what he can do just to make someone stay.And then he told me "Da,nagmamahal na talaga ako ng totoo ngayon...at ikaw yun.mahal na mahal kita." I couldnt agree more with that. =)


P.S. We got sweeter and more understanding on each other.
This must be what love really is...

Stick with you

What I feel eversince I've met you....I love you..always will.





Never appreciated this song this much till you came into my life dha..
loving you was the best decision I've had in years...

Dada

I wasnt able to call last night...kasi naman,my partner has a class and afterwards he texted me hell be going to SM manila with his friend.So I kinda thought that it would be a bit too much if I call him.E nakapag usap nanaman kami.so there.
Then he called me this morning..at galit! mind you...mahal ko pa ba daw sya?parang iba na daw yung feelings ko...im cold na daw(!) Dyosko! wala pang 24 hours yun ha! beat that...hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o sasampalin ko sya sa inis...at binitiwan pa ako ng finale na "kung hindi ko daw sya mahal...sabihin ko na daw at ng hindi sya mukhang tanga!" Grabe ang scripwriter nito!!!
I pacified him and told him that its absurd na I dont love him anymore...mahal na mahal ko sya.Hay,ang ending..parang batang sinusuyo ko nanaman.I dont have problems with that.Infact,in the twisted romantic side,I feel good...hehehe.most probably because he really loves me...or even more than I love him.Aminado din si gago na namimiss na nya talaga ako ...hay,si dada ko talaga.

"I have waited for him this 28 years of my existence...I couldnt afford to
loose him and wait another lifetime...Love you Dha...mwah!"

LOST

One of my earliest poems and presumably darkest,when I was still in grief mode over a stupid fuckhead...

LOST

You once said that love will not fade
and took your time...
But now Im looking at the shadowed mirror
of loneliness
What went wrong...


I built my world of hopes and dreams
Even wished for the eternity...
Now im holding nothing but this frayed
piece of my self
remnants of what used to be me...


I gave everything to that dream
of having someone to cherish forever with
And now coldness swirls around my heart
at the point of no return...


"...And you once said that you'd be here
with me...? FUCK YOU SWEETIE..."

MAGIC...

Im currently into someone....hes 19 yrs old and a dancer.Studies in UST.I like the guy but Ill try to keep my emotions at bay.I dont wanna be ruined again but frankly speaking,,,im enjoying it...he cares a lot and so do I.I hope this will last....keeping my fingers crossed.

...Resurrection...

...ITs about to happen...somebody popped in my life from the past and now hes single and most likely ready to take the chance again...I decided to take time in knowing guy...and Im quite certain that this time...Ill call the shots.

Still

Here am I still...trying to make sense out of whats left in my emotional state...I feel so lonely.But I have to move on.Whining just wont do.
Im slowly gaining perpective of what lies ahead of me.That God has some plans for me thats why I cant seem to settle now...Hes saving the best for last most probably.I could wait...I have waited this 28 years of my life.
I maybe alone...but with the blessings slowly unfolding themselves in front of me,maybe just maybe...love can wait.And Im really hoping that whats in store for me would last.That this waiting would be worth it...till then I could only smile.


PS my skin is getting clearer...im looking more presentable(sign of better things to come...? =)

Have you ever...?

I just let go or more like I asked a guy to let go of me...Thats the only way I could forget him and move on.It is hard...I cried.But im hoping that love would still smile...that I could smile again.I know I have so much love to give...and I miss him.
I have to stand up for my decision.That what happened was for the both of us...Have you ever cared for someone so much that it hurts?...I can only hope for now.My heart's in tears but I know that all is not lost.That I'll be able to find again my silver lining...till then...